“Just say no” to spanking as the Trojan Horse of debasement and abuse

I had the good fortune to have lunch recently with a fellow spanking blogger. It’s always really special to meet someone whose blog you read and with whom – by definition – you share important world view congruency. There’s so much you don’t have to talk about. And, paradoxically, so much to say.

One the things that came up – the main thing actually – is how many of the dominants out there are “just looking for someone to hurt,” and/or are abusive and demeaning to the sub. And how spanking gives them the veneer of respectability.

Now I’ve enough experience of life to know two things. The first is that there is no doubt this kind of behaviour goes on and many dominants are utterly unworthy of respect. The second is … they get it: respect, adoration, submission. So let’s not be naïve. It’s not hard to to see the difference between spanking as a firm, protecting ritual and spanking as proxy and cover for an abusive mindset. Demeaning and uncharitable cannot be misread as firm, empowered, and responsible.

So my interpretation is that there are many submissives out there who are not clear in their own mind which they want. Or putting it another way – they complain, but they reward abuse and disrespect, and return to it. Power can be addictive. So can “badness” (I’m told – me, I’d run a mile). And everyone knows, nice guys come last.

One of the things I’ve learnt by blogging out my point of view about spanking and traditional relationships is that, even in our specific like-minded community, folks really have different ideas and different preferences. I am becoming more tolerant of this. Personally, I really battle to understand submissives who reward erratic, disrespectful behaviour. But the human psyche and human sexuality is a deep mystery. I’d say “just say no” but that soundbite is taken. If being an abuser or “abusee” is your thing, get to it.

If abuse is not your thing, I offer the old maxim that power and responsibility go hand in hand. The more power one has the more responsibility one needs to show. (And vice versa – one can’t exercise responsibility without power.) I’m sure I’m no angel, but that’s how I see the whole activity: a power play, not a “power trip”.

The visual and the tactile in the spanking position


For fear of falling into a terrible cliché, I do think there is much in the old truism that male erotics is visual. We respond to pictures. Not all pictures, for sure (what’s the merit in the gynaecological, I ask myself?) But the image is a big part of the erotic. For women, apparently – and I’m very happy to hear thoughts on this – the touch, the tactile is the bigger part.

I think this plays out hugely in spanking. There is a huge payload in seeing the submissive in submissive position. Can be various positions, to taste, but we know what we’re talking about. See picture alongside (I think it was a Girls Boarding School pic, but I don’t exactly remember. I’m not a member. Not a member of any pay site, but that’s for another post).

Point is there is much attraction in seeing the submissive in position. What is it saying? Could it be: “I am here, lifting my bottom to you. It’s yours to take, to spank, as you see fit.”

Now, she may actually thinking “where did I put my cell phone?” but the point is the picture, the visual field, is erotic. If you spank the bottom and she remains in position, all the better. But there’s little tactile attraction other than a heated-up hand, and none at all if one uses an implement.

Thinking what it must be like from the other side, there’s no visual field for this woman. All she sees is the bed’s headboard. If OTK, all she would see is the floor. The erotic must be in the revealing, in the making self available. And then of course in the touch, which will come, which may be a pat or some very telling swats, as he chooses.

So many different types of spanking, so, a few preferences…

The Internet has been the most fabulous transition in every way, most of all for disparate communities that are not easy to connect, or communities and identities not easy to have in public. No surprise that sexuality led the Internet more than a decade ago, and spanking sites and forums have always been a big part of that. It has released us to be able to say what we are thinking, and (perhaps even more importantly) know what others are thinking. The benefit is – I have had this and have read many many with the same sentiment – is we suddenly feel so Normal and Sane, after having grown up thinking we were weird.

That’s the upside. The downside of all this connectivity, for me, is that it connects me to some stuff that I find pretty gruesome. Here we get into personal preference and assuming it’s all consensual there’s no judgment, but my preference is for “real” spanking, that means hard, but not damaging. For example I find a lot of the Eastern European stuff just too heavy. And much of the hard caning – where is it going? Nowhere that I want to go. For me it’s about authority and clear roles and limits. But it’s not about pain. Sure, forcefulness and pain is necessary to achieve the goal (to make the dominance-submission real.) But it is not the goal itself. A bit of brusque otk with skirt up and panties down, to me achieves more authority than any amount of whaling away.

Also, I want to lay down a marker for intelligence and literacy. Call me elitist, perhaps, but dumb brutality, whacking away at another persons behind … well it does nothing for me. The interest is in the dance of authority and submission, what he says, what she says. Before, during, and after. The brain is the most important sex organ, and ideas and words are the real bearers of the erotic.