The gruff and the beautiful, once again the hands say it all

I’m a ‘hands addict’ because hands communicate so much. Strength, power, vulnerability, reaching out, exposing, protecting, caring. Once again hats off to Red Charls for being the site-of-sites for pictures that talk. Or walk the talk. Or walk the ‘no-more-talk’ …. you know what I mean 😉

What being in ‘Topspace’ is like for me

Now and then one hears about ‘subspace’ or ‘entering subspace’ as part of the submissive experience. The idea is that a certain transition comes over the sub as she is taken into spanking submission. As I understand it (and I’m happy to be corrected on this, not having “been there” myself) this may come prior to the spanking, in anticipating it or dressing for it, or it may come as it starts, or as it progresses — but one way or another a change is wrought as she ‘enters’ her submissiveness more completely.

I find this concept useful, and it certainly chimes with my experience — with women I have topped and spanked. Looking into their face and eyes during a session, or right after it, or observing their change of voice or body response, it is often clear they are quite deeply in another space, subspace.

But I’ve never seen anything written about entering Topspace, and I think the concept is just as useful. Certainly it explains to me what happens to me if conditions are right.

First I should say, although I’m an experienced spanking Top, with (make-no-mistake) ‘the balls’ to dominate as and when required, I’m not an obvious ‘Top’ in real life. But when I’m going to give a spanking or about to start, I can feel a certain transition happening, a firmness of voice, a clarity of purpose and intent coming over me. As things progress and, particularly, as her consent and submission become obvious, I go further into Topspace. It’s not — just to be clear — physical arousal, although that may be present too. It is something closer to feeling powerful and purposeful. I’m guessing this has a hormonal base; testosterone or even adrenelin flowing.

Further, depending on her responses, but assuming she’s delighting in what is happening, this will progress with smacking her bottom harder, seeing it bouncing and squirming, towards … something I can only describe as progressively peeling away my layers to a state of very basic, absolute, undiluted masculinity. In this state I really can, assuming ongoing consensuality (nothing breaks the escalation), give her a very, very, sound thrashing indeed.

It is tempting to call this state “instinctive”, or “animalistic”. But in my experience it’s really not like that at all. It is more like I have reached the very ‘fountain of masculinity’ and am drinking directly from it. It’s a quiet, almost meditative place, with absoluteness and clarity and purpose and power that don’t exist in normal life.

I should add that in this state of mind, with purpose and power pretty much on ‘maximum’, it is easy to overstep and spank too hard. And I have done this, and deeply regretted it. But this is where experience comes in. We live and we do learn.

“Just say no” to spanking as the Trojan Horse of debasement and abuse

I had the good fortune to have lunch recently with a fellow spanking blogger. It’s always really special to meet someone whose blog you read and with whom – by definition – you share important world view congruency. There’s so much you don’t have to talk about. And, paradoxically, so much to say.

One the things that came up – the main thing actually – is how many of the dominants out there are “just looking for someone to hurt,” and/or are abusive and demeaning to the sub. And how spanking gives them the veneer of respectability.

Now I’ve enough experience of life to know two things. The first is that there is no doubt this kind of behaviour goes on and many dominants are utterly unworthy of respect. The second is … they get it: respect, adoration, submission. So let’s not be naïve. It’s not hard to to see the difference between spanking as a firm, protecting ritual and spanking as proxy and cover for an abusive mindset. Demeaning and uncharitable cannot be misread as firm, empowered, and responsible.

So my interpretation is that there are many submissives out there who are not clear in their own mind which they want. Or putting it another way – they complain, but they reward abuse and disrespect, and return to it. Power can be addictive. So can “badness” (I’m told – me, I’d run a mile). And everyone knows, nice guys come last.

One of the things I’ve learnt by blogging out my point of view about spanking and traditional relationships is that, even in our specific like-minded community, folks really have different ideas and different preferences. I am becoming more tolerant of this. Personally, I really battle to understand submissives who reward erratic, disrespectful behaviour. But the human psyche and human sexuality is a deep mystery. I’d say “just say no” but that soundbite is taken. If being an abuser or “abusee” is your thing, get to it.

If abuse is not your thing, I offer the old maxim that power and responsibility go hand in hand. The more power one has the more responsibility one needs to show. (And vice versa – one can’t exercise responsibility without power.) I’m sure I’m no angel, but that’s how I see the whole activity: a power play, not a “power trip”.

Mental Rope

Good ol’ pressure of work has taken me away, but now I’m back. What I’ve been thinking about a fair bit is the issues of restraint, that is tying up or tying down for a spanking, and how it totally changes the dynamic. Contrary to the apparently (I’m told) disputatious nature of some of my previous posts — I’d prefer the term “polite polemic” myself 🙂 — I don’t actually have a strong opinion either way. Just some thoughts.

First, handcuffing, or light bondage in general, is undoubtedly highly erotic. It takes the everyday egalitarian power balance and unbalances it – suddenly one person is at the mercy of the other. It is a doorway if not the royal road into “sub-space.” Restraint and coercion is the stuff of just about every sexual fantasy, and that’s great.

It is also, I’m told, easier to bear a spanking when tied down. There’s less “choice”. It is certainly easier to stay in position, which is good for the Top too. It’s rather tiresome to have to re-re-re-position a bottom.

But, there’s always a cost and the cost is subtle, but significant. What is very much a turn-on, from this male POV at least, is her choice to have the spanking and to submit willingly and fully to each smack. If her hands are free and she chooses to or forces herself to keep them out the way, and stay in position, it says more to me than the tied-up-sub just remaining tied up. With each stroke it speaks willingness to submit and renewed acknowledgment of authority given. It’s active submission rather than passive submission.

Although I thought the movie was generally feeble, there was a scene in “The Secretary” that resonated with me (not the spanking scene to be sure). It was when he instructs her to place her hands on the desk and remain in that position until “released”. Of course he was a thoroughly unworthy Dom (run a mile and don’t look back) and so made the “test” absurdly long, but still she would not release herself. She was mentally bound, but those ropes are the strongest… and there’s still nothing on earth as enticing as a strong submissive.

So I would deliciously bind to spank, but for the highest experience as a Top I prefer to apply the more subtle, more demanding “mental rope only”.

Spanking marks and the workings of identification

spanking-caning So I was setting up a few links to blogs and sites I find compatible (please link!) and I came across an interesting short post “Marks” by Cyndi at Her Secret Corner.

Cyndi says: “I don’t know why it is, but I’m turned on by marks. An overall red bottom is good, but discernible marks are where it’s really at for me. Of course, I’m only into dd scenarios, so I think it has something to do with the idea of power and control.”

I have to confess too that I find marks very attractive – good marks, like in this picture. Not brutal marks. (The boss must never loose control.)

So what’s going on? Let’s first say that marks mean a certain level of spanking impact, and with a stiff implement – cane, crop, brush, etc. So marks mean he has, literally, “made an impact” and that impact will be lasting. Let’s say he crops her and leaves good, warm marks, red and raised, and then takes her out to dinner. He knows and she knows, and he knows she knows, that she has those marks under her skirt. It lenthens the spanking’s impact, allowing it to linger. Mmmm. Who could wait to get home?

Also, with marks on her bottom, she inevitably carries the spanking – the alignment with her authority figure – into the everyday. Next day, let say she goes off to work, or to a party. She secretly carries her consciousness of his power everywhere she goes. That’s attractive.

Also, marks are strong “markers” (literally) of identification in every society. In traditional societies people paint their faces, pierce their skin, and so on, to show affiliation with the group. In modern societies people identify themselves with sporting teams by painting team colours on their faces and bodies at matches. Some tatoos are strong markers of couple or group identification.

In this same way, her marks are proof of identification with him, his authority and discipline, and the spanking process. They should fade soon of course (play safe!) all the better to be renewed frequently and vigorously.

The tango is spanking, is it not?

tango-spank1There’s an old adage: “Dance is a vertical form of a horizontal desire.” If that’s true, and I believe it is, then the tango is spanking standing up.

Why? For a start it is not cute, not shmaltzy, not for wimps. It’s spicey, edgy (in the “screw the roses, send me the thorns” kind of way). It’s crisp. And I do believe a good spanking is crisp and clear in intent and action. Certainly never languid or floppy.

The essence of the tango step, the famous “A Frame,” (heads together, legs apart) speaks to a certain distance and mystery. It’s not about being cuddly, at least not until a lot of other stuff has happened.

It is all about the play of power. The woman in the tango is an incredibly strong figure – not an ounce of weakness there. But she is choosing to be absolutely led. To use his strength, not fight it. If he knows what he’s doing, and he has her trust and full attention, he doesn’t need to force. He leads. It’s all about supporting and guiding, providing structure for her to lean on and bounce off.

And she’s naughty, just a bit. She’s wickedly close, then retreats. Then she gets her feet in the way of his, almost tripping him up. Like her dress, she’s there and not there. Teasing, treading a fine line…

Do this behind closed doors, with a couple of Martini’s, and it can only end up one way. Otk.

Am I talking rubbish? Is this just my fantastical spin, or is it all there, plain as day? Watch this video, tell me I’m wrong… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3e_Rbts5Q9Q