‘Only as hard as my mind and body need it that day to react’

I liked this take on severity: “It might come as a surprise to some of you, and it actually a little bit of surprise to me as well, but I absolutely do not have a severity fetish. Some people say I can take a lot. And the truth is yes, I can, but I don’t really want to. It’s a little bit like “I have been there, I have done that”. I much more prefer lighter play that I can savour and enjoy than hard play that I can only survive. As far as severity goes I need it only as hard as my my mind and body need it that day to “react”. – this from Kami Robertson’s On the Way of Exploration.

What is like about this is it reframes the “how-hard” question in terms of a means-to-an-end, not an end in itself. I think a lot of people somehow buy into the idea that doing it harder is to be strived for, it shows more dominance (or submission). It is an end to be aspired to.

(I don’t think spanking harder shows more dominance at all. Real dominance is mental-emotional, to be found in resolution, courage, forthrightness, etc., but that’s another story.)

The real goal in spanking — for me and I suspect most people — is not to do it harder. It  is to reach the emotional and erotic heights, and achieve personal closeness and alignment. A spanking needs to be hard enough to get “there”, but no harder.

For me this isolates a key source of frustration correctly: if how hard he needs it to be to get “there” and how hard she needs it to be to get “there” are not in alignment, there will be endemic frustration and, although tolerances can build I don’t see any solution to that incompatibility.

Speaking for myself, I need it to be fairly hot and hard to get there. A good hand spanking or paddle whacking, or strapping: enough strokes so her bottom is genuinely bouncing around and a decidely hot pink. (If she crumbles in the middle of this and ends the event, I am very frustrated indeed.) But if I get that, then I’m “there” and to go on would be pointless and a turn-off.

6 Responses to ‘Only as hard as my mind and body need it that day to react’

  1. amicablesettlement says:

    Awesome 🙂 Thank you for that post. My husband and I have been exploring spanking and just last night had a long dicussion about severity. My husband was very clear as to his limits. I am glad to see your post as it reinforces our situation as well and I found the explination very helpful.
    The warmest regards,

  2. oatmeal girl says:

    I don’t have a very high tolerance for pain – especially when you consider that I belong to a sadist. But then he has a very masochistic slave to turn to when his need to torture is running wild. He didn’t acquire me to beat me. He didn’t even acquire me to fuck me. His enjoyment of those pleasures were later discoveries. He acquired me for my mind.

    Still, he does like to hurt me. So he holds back. He holds back probably even a little more than he needs to. I’ve occasionally had emotional reactions to his wilder visits that unnerved us both and sent him to rethinking his plans for me. He doesn’t want to risk upsetting the beautiful and intimate balance of our relationship. And as you say, what matters is not so much how much he gets to spank me. What he wants is my response. The way my ass ripens from pink to rose to shining red. The screaming statement made by the marks left by the cane. The dark red outline left by his teeth in my neck. The way every veil leaves my eyes as he twists my left nipple between the thumb and forefinger of his right hand, allowing him to see things in me that even I don’t know exist.

    Still as you point out, there is the danger of non-alignment. (Whether I am “getting what I need” is considered irrelevant. Buy truly, whatever he does to me ends up being what I need whether I know it or not.) So he commissioned a beautiful new flogger. A beautiful and gentle flogger, designed after rejecting two earlier offerings that would have been unbearable. With this beautiful thing he can satisfy his need to hit me very hard while not causing serious pain – except when the lashes land on my pussy or my nipples. That hurts like hell. And then he gets his money’s worth of screams and sobs and I know I am pleasing him. So we are both satisfied.

    Thanks for this perceptive post.

  3. doll says:

    Today I had a spanking where there was non-alignment but he didn’t vary his style, the tools he used or the severity. From whoa to go I expressed shock at the pain and then laughed at my inability to take it this time and soar into sub space. It was plainly bad timing because I suspect it indicates I am at a point in my menstrual cycle where the ability to bear pain has dipped. We both find it fascinating that my pain receptors very in quality of response but we are slow to take it into account and today he didn’t so I hopped about and cussed.

  4. artofauthority says:

    Latter comments correct me with a very valid observation – non-alignment can work well too. But I wonder (not to get bogged down in semantics, but) is this not just another form of alignment? That is, both are aligning with the idea that he does exactly as he pleases whether it suits her or not.

  5. oatmeal girl says:

    I suppose you could call it a kind of alignment, Art. I see it as the ground rules, which were presented on a take-it-or-leave-it basis when he accepted my plea to enter his service. I took it. Of course, I didn’t fully realize the implications at the time, and it has been a challenge to my strong independent streak. But in my case, at least, I have learned that my trust was not displaced as the relationship evolved over the last year and a half.

  6. Vibrators says:

    I have no experience yet but have read a ton and have a dear friend with lots as a dom so I at least think I know what matters to me (and hope to find out soon if I am right, lol) and I must say I love this post! Thank you.

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