“Just say no” to spanking as the Trojan Horse of debasement and abuse

I had the good fortune to have lunch recently with a fellow spanking blogger. It’s always really special to meet someone whose blog you read and with whom – by definition – you share important world view congruency. There’s so much you don’t have to talk about. And, paradoxically, so much to say.

One the things that came up – the main thing actually – is how many of the dominants out there are “just looking for someone to hurt,” and/or are abusive and demeaning to the sub. And how spanking gives them the veneer of respectability.

Now I’ve enough experience of life to know two things. The first is that there is no doubt this kind of behaviour goes on and many dominants are utterly unworthy of respect. The second is … they get it: respect, adoration, submission. So let’s not be naïve. It’s not hard to to see the difference between spanking as a firm, protecting ritual and spanking as proxy and cover for an abusive mindset. Demeaning and uncharitable cannot be misread as firm, empowered, and responsible.

So my interpretation is that there are many submissives out there who are not clear in their own mind which they want. Or putting it another way – they complain, but they reward abuse and disrespect, and return to it. Power can be addictive. So can “badness” (I’m told – me, I’d run a mile). And everyone knows, nice guys come last.

One of the things I’ve learnt by blogging out my point of view about spanking and traditional relationships is that, even in our specific like-minded community, folks really have different ideas and different preferences. I am becoming more tolerant of this. Personally, I really battle to understand submissives who reward erratic, disrespectful behaviour. But the human psyche and human sexuality is a deep mystery. I’d say “just say no” but that soundbite is taken. If being an abuser or “abusee” is your thing, get to it.

If abuse is not your thing, I offer the old maxim that power and responsibility go hand in hand. The more power one has the more responsibility one needs to show. (And vice versa – one can’t exercise responsibility without power.) I’m sure I’m no angel, but that’s how I see the whole activity: a power play, not a “power trip”.

3 Responses to “Just say no” to spanking as the Trojan Horse of debasement and abuse

  1. Joy says:

    You, sir, have a gift for words.

    I love the name of the blog. The whole concept of Authority is fascinating to me, in a big philosophical sense and in the everyday world. Art of Authority captures the fact that wielding authority is an art. Few perform it well.

    I also like your contrasting of power play and power trip.
    Big huge difference. To paraphrase something Mark Twain said: The difference between power play and power trip is like the difference between lightening and a lightening bug.

    (Twain’s real quote is: The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.)

  2. Doonstar says:

    Good points all, and yet,

    Look at the flickr photo sites where women in CP scenarios are frequently termed ‘sluts,’ ‘bitche’s and worse. Theres’ something disturbing about a female beaten bottom with ‘whore’ written across it in lipstick. Low self-worth women and an insecure dom make a demeaning combination

    CP videos, especially older UK ones, where the punishment is preceded by a long and monotonous mysogenistic rant, and more contemporary – but equally joyless – Eastern European DVDS in which CP is essentially torture and one fears for the coerced and underpaid female participants. Shadowlane spanking (and sex ‘n spanking) movies, scripted – no coincidence this by the female co-founder show how it should be done.

    My, inevitably subjective, view is that to be non-abusive spanking has to operate within a consensual framework and that blokes who hate women have no business disciplining them, even in ‘play’.

  3. Sara says:

    This was important to say, and you made some very good points. Yes, some submissives don’t really know what they want, don’t have the self esteem to say “no” and can easily wander into abuse in the guise of ‘discipline’. So very different from a healthy and truly consensual DD relationship!

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