How to get the spanking you want: talking taboo

I’m delighted to do a bit of promo for one of the most intelligent, insightful bloggers around – Vivian at The Disciplined Feminist – who has written a 2-part spanking book “How to Get the Spanking You Want: The Complete Guide to Asking for it, Getting It & Making It Better,” available through this link.

Explaining the book on her blog she says: “Of all the emails I get asking for advice, well over half of them are from women (and some men) who want their husband or boyfriend to spank them, but don’t know how to ask, and this question seems to pop up a lot on spanking and DD forums, too.”

I haven’t read the book yet, but the topic has me thinking: why is spanking hard to ask for? (I strongly suspect that Tops want to ask for it as much as Bottoms want to, but the Top mindset is less likely to be actively advice-seeking.) More particularly, why is it hard to ask for in a world where it has become relatively easy to ask for many kinds of kink? Egged on by Cosmo and others, it is quite fashionable to ask to be corseted or tied up, or to use various toys and costumes all under the banner of “spicing things up”.

But spanking (real, hard, non-nonsense spanking, not the pat & giggle stuff) is a much harder thing to raise. I think it is because Spanking Is Violence.

As a man, one experiences very heavy socialisation from an early age to constrain violent impulses. Agression is channeled out of us in every way (other than on the sports field) which is absolutely correct of course. Anyone who hits another person is a criminal. And all the more so with regards to girls – you never, ever hit girls.

To me this is key to why spanking is hard to ask for – because it runs heavily against our socialisation. For him, asking the uninitiated, he is breaking this heavy social taboo. Psychopath! For her, asking the uninitiated may be mistaken for the equivalent submissive pathology: the desire to be hit, hurt …

In fact, spanking is okay (great!) because it is highly ritualised, that is, has associated codes and rules which define actions and limits (the key ones are bottom only + consensuality). It is okay exactly in the sense that other code-constrained violence, notably contact sports and martial arts are okay. These also allow and imply consent to violence-within-the-rules. The rules make the violence productive rather than destructive.

This suggests a way to approach the how-to-ask conundrum. Whether you are a Top or a Bottom, the key to overcoming the taboo is to stress that spanking is rule-based violence, that is, “productive” violence. It produces such things as discipline, intimacy, mentoring, nurturing, eroticism, couple harmony and so on. (It is deeply significant that sex is codified violence too – it is precisely the *rules* surrounding the practice of taking a woman, overpowering and penetrating her, that make it socially acceptable and delightful. Without the rules, it’s rape.)

Well, that’s my 2c. I’m looking forward to reading what Viv has to say, and have little doubt that she has sorted out this question better than I have.

12 Responses to How to get the spanking you want: talking taboo

  1. kitten says:

    Such a great post! I personally struggle with the spanking need/want/craving. I suppose as a bottom/sub I give hints and mention it, but I always feel that I wait for the Top/Dom to act on it. I still feel that he doesn’t take it as seriously as I do which is frustrating at times. I think he fears hurting me.


    • Anthony says:


      Not sure if you are in a relationship or if you are talking in general. It can be difficult to start the conversation but I have found being open, direct and honest is definitely the best policy. There are so many ways you can guide the subject to open discussion – discipline in general…were you punished at School etc? And always the classic “I have a friend and she confided in me that she really wanted to be put over her boyfriend’s lap…” guauge the reaction, pursue or not.

      Oh and if all else fails, I’d happily spank you. I never fear hurting a girl as a man who knows how to spank for pleasure (both) will know exactly how to judge and react to a woman’s anticipation, actual split second pain, and the ensuing pleasure. I was caned regularly from early boarding School days so I would say that I have a pretty good grasp of this dynamic. And dynamic it is!


  2. Vivian says:

    Hi Alex,

    Thanks so much for supporting the book, and for your thoughtful article on why it’s so hard to ask for a spanking.

    I think you’re spot about the taboo of violence with regard to spanking. In the book, I talk about men’s fear of being seen as the bad guy for hitting a woman (and even enjoying it!) as one of the major obstacles to getting your partner to spank you. (As well as why it’s actually a good thing that your partner might be hesitating because of this taboo, and how to overcome it.)

    I suspect when it comes to receiving spankings, one of the major reasons we hesitate to ask is because unlike those sexy, “Cosmo” style kinks you mention, the spankings most of us want are not in any way sexy or trendy.

    It’s one thing to ask your partner to swank up in black leather and tie you to the bedpost like a scene from a Madonna video. You’re right — in our culture, that sort of thing is sexy, hot and sophisticated.

    It’s quite another to have to admit that what you really want is to be bent over and paddled like a kid, with no black leather, no sexy lingerie (and often even no sex!) That’s a lot harder to admit to in our sex-centered culture!

    The good news is, of course, that if that’s the kind of spanking someone wants, they’re in good company. Ultimately, in fact, because the real-life spanking experience is so much more resonant of safety, security and other core issues, I suspect there are a lot of people faking their way through black leather bondage, while secretly wishing for a good old-fashioned bottom warming!

    And of course, that’s what the book is about — how to get past these understandable anxieties and embarrassments to get the spankings (and the safety and security and love) that come with them, from the person you love.


    PS — Kitten, there are some really good reasons why your partner isn’t going to take your hints about spanking him — unfortunately that’s one of the most dangerous pieces of advice on the net and a big part of why I wrote the book — to show people why this advice is pretty terrible and what you can do that works better! (Hint: Most men don’t like to do things if they don’t feel like they know what they’re doing — especially not in front of their women. To do so activates the Top’s side of the embarrassment/shame coin.)

  3. Pingback: Adam @ Dusk » Ritualized Violence

  4. Debbie says:

    How do you ask for a spanking? What do you say. I have a need for a spanking I cannot explain. I have been told I will have to ask for a spanking the next time we meet. But don’t really know what to say or ask for a otk bare bottom spanking. Can you help me find the words

    • Anthony says:


      Assuming you have had a few boyfriends before, incredibly easy to say when some minor incident occurrs at home (or work, or anywhere) “when I did that last my boyfriend put me across his lap and we ended up having the best ever sex.” If he is interested, or is man enough to do, indulge, experiment, engage in sexual activities just to please his other half, then perfect result.

      Good luck.


  5. Bondara says:

    Seeing that we are involved in the industry this book was an absolute must read for us. It has helped us as a company understand what our customers are looking for when they are looking to acquire spanking equipment. 5 Stars from us and thanks for the providing your thoughts too.

  6. Richard says:

    Hi, I really liked the post, it has given me things to think about so has all the information and blogs on this subject. For me right now it is all a learning process right now…. I am talking with a woman who wants me to show more authority to her, and i have been doing that though, only on the phone and via text messages though yes she see i have changed and becoming that way.. she still has not seen in person. The Problem is we wait till her divorce has come through, so it means we have to wait. Though at times she says i want my husband to be like that, then she says she wants me to be. and so my question is would a woman who, seems to want just friendship share the details about what she wants, and calls the friend sir and want him to say how he would discipline her, and how he would be after the discipline, does she want more than friendship from him?

  7. Z says:

    Richard, I’d say to be careful. You can role play and fantasize with people you’ve never met but you don’t know what they’ll be like in person. Also this woman is in some sort of transitional state and I am assuming, if you are talking to her, that you are too. Get involved with someone who knows better what they’re doing.

    Debbie, I love it but only when a certain chemistry is there and I don’t see it as a sine qua non for sex the way I do some other things. It’s easy to ask if you’re already in a good sexual relationship and you realize it would work with this person. Just start talking about fantasies and… voila. I suppose that if you’re wildly attracted to someone and can tell it would work then you could talk about it before ever having sex but I tend to negotiate sex during sex or while making out on the couch, not way ahead unless I’m in a relationship, of course, in which it can be a topic of conversation anytime.

  8. jonathan says:

    That sound easy but how would you go about asking some one to spank you over there lap i need to know i walk around out side with a sign says please spank me and get no responce at all people see it and do nothing i even wear womans clothing and stripnaked to get a spanking but still nothing so how to ask for a spanking tell me please

  9. AllureOutlet says:

    Thank you for bringing this book to our attention. It’s an old one but a good one, reading this book has helped us be aware of what our customers require when they are looking to buy spanking gear including whips, floggers and paddles. Another great post and thanks for providing your feedback.

  10. Goofy_Girl says:

    Sometimes when my boyfriend starts backing off when I start to struggle feels like counterproductive in discipline punishment style spanking. If it that type of spanking and my boyfriend back off or stops, I feel I’m letting him down even though I have relinquished control of this spanking to him. Sometimes I actual asked for a real no nonsense spanking about every other month or so. I like this power exchange that happens and I feel the of energy and cathartic release from being spanked beyond being able to make words. It’s that feeling of not being in control anymore and while the pain is intense and physical I want it to stop and I and I’m yelling, begging and for it to stop, deep inside I want need him continue and turn it up notch and keep going until I change from yelling into a pillow to crying hard and getting that endorphin release. Sure I have burses and welts but that tranquil feeling of being centered again is wonderful. The pain from the spanking is catalyst to release negative emotions. So, sometimes I do ask for a no-nonsense no safe word spanking with no specified number and keep going until I really sobbing. As I am pushing my jeans and panties down, sometimes I have to remind my boyfriend before the spanking start to not to back off just because I am starting to struggle and to actual start the non stop rapid fire swats with no pauses between whacks until I get that sobbing release. I have to remind him that for this one, he gets to decide when I had enough and I trust him explicitly and I really want this. I have to remind of that because he is always so gentle and has always stopped when I yell out safe word. He’s big softy and doesn’t ever want to hurt me. But every one in a while, I need and want a real blistering with his office belt or the flat part of the handle of a bamboo backscratcher from the dollar store he has, or a combination of both.

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